Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Patsy-The Wonderless Dog

Awhile back, my bestest friend Rebekah said she wanted me to post on all the crazy animals we have had here at The Ole Clark Homestead. We have only been living in this house four years and that number is small compared to the number of strange animals we have had around here. So far we have managed to raise four smart, beautiful, secure children, but something must be wrong with our husbandry skills. I have stopped trying to figure it out and just accept that it is my lot in life to be a refuge for dumb animals.

It all started with Patsy. It wasn't long after we moved here it was decided we would get a dog. A dog would be good for the kids, would protect the chickens, and I thought it would be nice to have a dog for comfort when Mark was traveling. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! As Tom Bodett says in his book Small Comforts, this dog had about much sense and offered as much companionship as a wheelbarrow full of garden vegetables.

After much research (which consisted of me pretty much looking at puppies on the internet and picking out which one I thought was cutest) we decided on a beagle. We found some for sale in the paper and Mark started out on that bright Saturday morning to secure our dog. The kids and I waited at home expectantly. We couldn't wait to meet the newest little animal member of our family and I just secretly knew that this dog would love me the best and would remain my loyal companion for years to come. Later in the morning Mark brought home the cutest most precious puppy you have ever seen. She was so tiny and so beautiful and so scared. After the kids had oohed and ahhed over her I finally got my hands on her. I was going to get to name her and I was holding her and loving her and trying to think of the perfect name. Well, I was examining her just like a mother with a newborn baby and I lifted up her little tail. I actually screamed, "Mark, this dog has worms!" and about sent the poor puppy into shock.

What we should have done is taken that puppy right back to where Mark bought it from and demanded our money back. Instead we immediately took the puppy to the vet and spent another $200 plus to deworm it. And it all went downhill from there.

I named her Patsy and it took all of about two weeks for the newness to wear off with the kids and then she really was mine. I really wanted to do right by her, but it became apparent very quickly she was not a smart dog. She ran away constantly so we had to keep her tied up all the time. She ate her weight in dog food once a week and grew so fast the kids were not strong enough to walk her. Since she was tied up a male dog got to her before we could take her to get her fixed and we ended up having to pay for a doggie abortion AND to get her fixed. Her sole delight in life was to jump up on us and scratch us with her sharp toenails. Feeding her was not pleasant because she would get so excited she would knock all the food and water out of your hands before you could put it down.

She was a beagle dog and she needed wide open spaces to roam. Well, she had that here, but she would never come back home. I would have to haul my pregnant self up and down our road looking for her. She ran and ran and ran. ALL the time. The name Patsy was becoming a curse word to me.

We spent more money and Mark worked hard one day to build a fence for Patsy. Oh glorious day that was when it was finished. Now, she could run and bark until her heart was content. I had visions of the kids walking her each morning(they were bigger by now) and of Patsy laying at my feet as I watched the kids play outside. It was all going to be okay now. The long two years of Patsy dumbdom was going to be a distant memory.

She lived in the fence for ONE DAY before she dug a hole under it and got out. She was hit by a car (which my children saw, of course,) and was badly injured. So, I got to carry a bloody wet dog in my van to the vet and pay him EVEN more money to have her put to sleep.

And that is the end of my Patsy story and never more shall her name be mentioned in my presence. Later I will have to tell you about our special needs chicken, the five-legged frog, the blind bird, and Sylvester the cat. Bless his little dumb brain.


  1. That is a pretty funny story...sorry!! We have had some dumb dogs to!! Kind of reminds me of the movie Marley and Me!!

  2. I'm laughing so hard right now. I can't wait to hear about the special needs chicken.

    we tried a fish for a while when chloe was really little, but then she forgot about it and we kinda did too...finally i think it got sick from all the algae in it's bowl...death by sea was it's fate.

  3. Lisa, we had a fish also. His name was Charlie and he did not live long. I'm glad our adoption homestudy did not ask us about our pets.

  4. This is great! I love to hear these stories! :0) I was telling P.F. about the frog this very morning!

  5. I need to remember to tell you about my pregnant experience with our neighbor's beagle. It wasn't pretty, but I got to blame it on the hormones!

  6. I'm sure Patsy is running wild and free in Heaven.

  7. Is it awful of me to admit that I might have considered it an answered prayer the day the poor thing died? I am NOT a dog person. At all. What a crazy story!