Webster vs. MamaHen-The Summer in the South Edition...

Humidity

Webster-noun. a moderate degree of wetness, especially of the atmosphere.

MamaHen-noun. that which causes you to look like a drowned rat after being outside for only two minutes on a southern summer day. I mean why bother fixing yourself up? After you step outside you will immediately begin to droop and all your makeup will begin to melt. Fix your hair? Ha, Ha. Only rookies do that. Just pull it back in a ponytail. The ponytail will wilt also, but no one will notice because of the little rivets of makeup that are streaming down your face.

Chiggers (aka redbugs)

Webster-noun. a six-legged mite larva (family Trombuiculidae) that sucks the blood of vertebrae and causes intense irritation

MamaHen-noun. little invisible disgusting foul creatures from the Bad Place that make life miserable for anyone who has to go outside for more than five minutes. Heavens forbid that you try to do some weeding or pick your berries that your husband so lovingly planted for you. Or you are a small child who loves to play in the outdoors. Or a big kid who likes to climb a tree on occasion. Chiggers have no respect for anyone. Listen, if you live here in the South and haven't dealt with chiggers yet then I need to question your southern-hood. Now, if we could only work together to find a solution to these nasty terrible beasts and send them back to the Pit where they belong, we could live in harmony together in the outdoors. Well, after we deal with the gnats, mosquitoes, and snakes. But chiggers are first on my list.


Just needed to get that off my mind.

Is It Possible To Be So Tired That Your Eyes Actually Hurt?...

My eyes hurt. They are so heavy with tiredness (is that a word?) that they hurt.

I can't keep up. Evidently I was at my maximum usage before Vacation Bible School and I have exceeded my limits these past two days.

Once I am at VBS all is good. I have James in my class and I am loving getting to see him interact with the other kiddos. I only have six children and I have two teenage helpers. The odds are very much in our favor. There was a little more spunk today as one five year old dared to jump in line and declare herself THE line leader, but that was quickly resolved.

After we came home and ate a sandwich we headed off to Mrs. Jennifer's to swim. Now, I am not a big fan of going to the pool. I like actually being in the pool, but getting to the pool is such a hassle for me. It is the changing of clothes (again), the finding of bathing suits and swimming paraphernalia, and all the applying of sunscreen to the children and then to myself. Once all that is done I can get in and relax for approximately 30 seconds.

Then I have to do the kid count. One. Two. Three. Four, they are all accounted for. And then I fix someones goggles. Then the kid count. Then I kiss a scraped knee on the four year old. Then the kid count. And it goes on and on and on. Jennifer and I do try to get some conversation in in the midst of all this, but you can imagine how it goes~~~

"So, did you see on so and so's blog about how she makes so and so from scratch? We could totally do that. We could get really famous and then I could hire a maid. Just a minute, kid count time."

And then you repeat the above scenario until someone named James has a so-tired-he-can't-see straight meltdown and you pack up and drive home in wet clothes and then have to do something with those wet clothes, and "Oh no, it is time to start supper." and oh.my.stinkin.goodness, why I am so tired? "

Mrs. Jennifer, you are a woman above women to let us come to the pool and drive you crazy. My kiddos love you and FavCousin and FavCousin #2!!!!!!!

A List Of What I Have Been Thinking About Today....

Not that anyone would be interested, but ya'll...if I don't get it out I might just bust.

1. Peoples. It is time to take the Christmas lights and decorations down. Today as I was driving I saw several houses which were still decorated (and their lights were on in the daytime). I understand life happens, it's been happening a lot around here lately, but at least turn the lights off and drag the inflatables around to the back yard. Whew, I feel better already.

2. Today a cashier at CVS balked at giving me my $7 in Extra Care Bucks that I had just earned by purchasing two Revlon products. I'm not sure why she did not want to do this. I am a strict rule-follower by nature and I don't break the rules. I smiled and was very nice and pleasant, but what I really wanted to say was, "Mam, I have pre-menstrual syndrome right now. And it is bad. And my head hurts. And I just left the OB/GYN where I was classified as a "mature woman" and it might just be in your best interest to just hand over the Extra Care Bucks."

Apparently when she realized I was going to stand there until the manager came back from her lunch break she changed her mind.

3. When I left the hospital I got my little parking ticket punched and exited to the gate. My ticket would not work. Over and over the machine would say, "Your ticket is not valid" or something snarky like that. And there were about five cars behind me. And I was stuck there thinking I was going to have to get out of the van and take my mature self up to that ticket lady who punched my ticket and get it punched again.

Instead I pressed the little button and very sweetly explained to the man in the machine my situation. He opened the gate and told me not to put my ticket next to my cell phone next time. I told him thank you, but I what I really wanted to say was, "Apparently I am a mature woman now so I should have better insurance now and this gate is coming down."

4. I had a doctor's appointment today and as I said before, the doc said I was a mature woman. And by cracky, if he had also mentioned I needed to lose some weight it might have gotten ugly. But fortunately he didn't mention it.

As I was getting dressed I looked through my file. And don't tell me you don't do the same thing. I wanted to see what they had written about James' birth. His birth was a very painful, traumatic, and emotional experience for me and I wanted to see their take on it. They had two lines. His name, gender, and healthy baby status. And then Delivery-Dr. XXXX, and that I had an epidural. And ya'll, I about came undone.

First of all the doctor did not deliver that baby. He wasn't there. And secondly, and most important. I DID NOT HAVE even a Tylenol, much less an epidural. I had nada, zip, nothing. And on top of that I had a bad bad bad mean ole nurse who kept insisting there was no way in the world the baby could be coming right then.

I would like my credit for my un-medicated birth please. In big red letters. With a smiley face beside it.

Sorry if I have burst anyone's idea that I am a sweet southern girl all the time. When I have a touch of the pre-menstrual syndrome it can get pretty crazy in my mind. Those that know me in real life are not surprised at all.

Dear....

Dear Store that starts with a W and ends with a Mart,

I once really liked you. I liked you when I was a young newlywed and I could spend $30 a week on our groceries (including toiletries) and I got to come home and report to my hardworking man on what amazing deals I had gotten. I liked you when I had a new baby and I could go to your store and buy cheap diapers and wipes and sometimes a cute little shirt that says, "I am cute like my Daddy." I liked you when I had to buy an unbelievable amount of camping supplies for the Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, and Heritage Girls. You even had those little fans you could carry around so that exactly one square inch of you could be cooler in the 100 degree heat.

But now...not so much. As a matter of fact about 6 months ago I decided that I would never ever no-matter-what-may come would I ever darken the door of the particular (insert name of store) in my hometown. And I have kept that promise.

Until today. There was the perfect storm of tennis lessons being cancelled, a free babysitter, and a bad decision (which I blame on the PMS) to go to the dreaded store. I was lured by the siren song of $10 Duplo blocks which would only be on sale today.

You let me down. You did not have the blocks. You did not even have a section in your store for the blocks. You committed the unpardonable by advertising what you could not deliver on. Over and over I have given you one more chance. Now I must take care of myself. I have a husband and four children to think about.

We are done. Don't send your ads to my house anymore. Don't try to lure me with special emails telling wild and sordid tales of sales which don't exist. Don't tempt me with your low prices.

It was good while it lasted. But I lost that lovin feeling a long time ago.

Sincerely,

MamaHen

Hold On, ___________ Coming...

You know how people will say "Hold On, Fridays Coming"? Well, I need a day to come, but I don't know when in the world it will be? We have so much going on right now, good things, bad things, just normal everyday life things-and then add these SATS to it-its just too much. Really, all of us are feeling the stress of going going going. Today is the last day for the SATS-yeah! and then tomorrow is Bible Study. I will just be honest with you, I am just wanting to skip Bible Study and stay home, but we have missed the last two weeks and the kids spring program is coming up. They need to practice. And my house-oh.my.word. Let's don't even go there. And we haven't ate a real decent meal since last week. And company is coming tomorrow. Not really to see us per see, but to see my in-laws who live right next door, and I would like for the floor not to stick to their feet when they come in. And Abbie's choir program is Sunday night which means she has dress rehearsal for 5 hours Saturday. Now why would an 8 year old's choir program require a five hour dress rehearsal? And Scouts and AHG and this little thing called school that is slaying me right now. This is the first year I have really felt completely and totally overwhelmed by homeschooling and the whole "Am I doing the right thing?" Not by homeschooling, I KNOW that is the right thing for our family, its the "How do I know how to teach these three totally different children all they need to know" overwhelmed. And then James, my precious three year old who has decided that this week is the week to test all my mommy powers. By the way, someone asked me if James (age 3) was reading yet? I was like, "Are you for real?" And I have a hubby somewhere around here who I would like to see and talk with.

Sorry, just had to rant a minute. I know this too will pass. But, I'll just say it, I don't want it to pass, I just want it to be over with. And a little sleep would be nice also.

Why I Get Lost EVERYTIME I Go Downtown

My dad sent this to me and it made me smile. I thought I would just post the part about the roads, but as I read on I realized "Yeah, that's about right..." Except for the part about the women smoking the Marlboro's. I really don't see that many women smoking in public anymore. Even in their own car. But anyway, of course some of this is an overgeneralization, but some of it is just plain truth, especially about the Malfunction Junction. I'm not sure who to give credit to on this, but it if definitely someone who lives here in the South. You can't understand it until you live it.

Visitors Guide to Birmingham , Alabama
First you must learn to pronounce the city's name.
It's 'Bur-min-ham'.

Driving Information:
Burminham has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a four-way stop.The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime.

To find anything in the city, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two 'cloverleaf formation' interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit dumber than we are.

The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour isf rom 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the term 'merging delays' is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will beat least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least)rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike.

You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road.

They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.

Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going anywhere else.

Construction is a permanent fixture in Burminham. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a little more interesting.

If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them over to thes houlder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was 'accidentally activated'.

The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph.Anything less is considered downright sissy.

This is also Alabama 's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR --especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be'flipped a bird' accordingly.

Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from north of Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Burminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.

Weather Information:
If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it's 10-20degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Burminham residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the roads(frontways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be the next target.

Seasonal Information:
If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information:
Do not ever speak during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama ' unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I didn't say 'sold at this event,' but 'present').

Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that funny to us anymore, and by now we're used to it.

If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you, 'What kind?'This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'.

All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 of them live in Alabama .

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama , plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.

DJeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed... if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

May I Rant?

Me: "May I rant a little?"
Myself: "Of course, its your blog after all."
Me: "Thank you very much."


Dear Walmart, Target, and all surrounding clothing and shoe retailers within 50 miles of me,

Will you please be so kind as to stock some merchandise for my SEVEN year old daughter that does NOT have Hannah Montana and High School Musical logos on it? My SEVEN year old daughter is SEVEN and not a teenager so she has no business watching teenage shows. Therefore, I do not want my SEVEN year old daughter to promote these shows by wearing their apparel. This may be perfectly appropriate for a teenager, but not for a SEVEN year old girl. Surely clothes can still be produced that do not contain these logos. Just a solid shirt would be nice, or some cute flowers or rainbows. Just something else. Please.

P.S. The green shirt (size 8) that says "I'm Your Lucky Charm" is not really appropriate for a SEVEN year old either.


Can you guess what Abbie and I did today?