A New Year

I wish I was one of those people who had wise and profound words to dispense at a moment's notice. I'm not. I mostly just sit and stare and then think of something wise to say at 2:00 AM three nights later when it does absolutely no good to anyone.

But I've got some years under my belt and I would like to think I gain a little more common sense as each year passes. And I know Christ is changing me. Not because I am more special than anyone else, but only because of Jesus and His Mercy towards me. That is one thing I have learned-I cannot do this life on my own. I don't just fail; I crumble into little pieces that disappear as they hit the floor. Even my own good motives are tainted with sin-correction-they are not just tainted-they are covered and dipped in sin over and over. They are sin. But now, they are covered and dipped over and over in the perfect righteousness of Christ.

Now, do I actually believe and live like this everyday? Hardly. But just because I don't "feel" it that day doesn't mean it isn't the Truth. If anyone of you ever want to talk to me about all of this please email me. I will give you a call and we can talk and talk and talk. I love me some talking.
(Wendy at clarksrfun at gmail dot com)

All that to say...this past year hasn't been the year we thought it was going to be. Oh my goodness, it has been wonderful and one thing about getting older-you appreciate your blessings so much more. You actually take hold of them and squeeze them and get every last drop of sweetness you can out of them.

This was going to be the year we would get our new child through adoption. We have been waiting three years now. Some people may wonder why we want to adopt. We have four wonderful children and the people who know me best know I don't have it together with the four I have. There are plenty who don't understand the way we feel and we have been okay with that.

And here is where the hurt and not understanding has come into our lives. We WANT to adopt, we have done all that we know to do TO adopt, and God has closed the doors to this so far. Mark and I said at the beginning we would keep on walking through the doors of adoption as long God kept them open. We are wondering now if they are not open and God wants something else for us.

I haven't written much about the adoption because it hurts like the dickens. For the past three years we have been through the domestic infant adoption process, the private adoption process, and the international process. Last May we were put on hold for an 8 year old girl from another country. She was going to be ours and we had even named her. She had a heart condition and we had researched and spent money on getting referrals for her and finding out what her condition would mean to our family. When I saw her I wasn't scared anymore about leaving my children and going to get her. She was mine and I would go anywhere for her.

And then, just when things were going so well, her birth country said no. I am not going to go into details because I do not want to discourage anyone from pursuing adoption, but know this is something completely beyond my control. Talk about rejection. It hurt so bad. Mark and I were in shock for weeks and couldn't even talk about it. I had no words, only hurt.

But, it was a great relief to us to know that she has been put on hold with another family and she will be adopted and taken care of. I hope to meet her one day in heaven and tell her she got prayed for a lot by two people who never even met her. Her picture is in my Bible and some days I can look at it and some days I can't.

So, now Mark and I are just waiting. That is literally all we can do. And hello, hard for MamaHen to wait. All that to say, I think that will be my word of the year. Wait. And Cling. Cling to the one who knows why this has happened and what will happen next. I don't say that trivially or lightly. I want to cling to Jesus like velcro.

"In Christ alone, my hope is found..."